My apologies I didn’t realize I swore so much

This Weeks Video Round Up! – My apologies I didn’t realize I swore so much until I uploaded it LOL 😦 Oops!

What you get this week: Me Babbling on and my Son Riley being adorable, as well as a shout out to two lovely ladies I found through Twitter.

@LeighHutton >> http://www.leighhuttonbooks.com/
@LGWhiteAuthor >> http://www.louisewhitethecalling.com/

And then some other stuff happened (Thursday Recap 1)

So I’m connecting – I’m Facebooking, Tweeting, Goodreading and even getting all up in those Google+ Circles (see connect with me page for links to all my social media sites) and as most of you probably know already I recently added YouTube and Instagram to all that *ME* in the and on the World Wide Web.

Yeaaaaah and when was the last time I got to do a decent post on my BLOG Ummmmm Damn You Social Media for taking up all my time!!

I’ve forgotten my point – Damn short attention span.

Oh yeah that’s my POINT!

I spend too much time “connecting” I haven’t written much in months.

But anyways at least i’ve found some sort of direction for my YouTube channel – yeah thats kind of worth it – Each Thursday I’m going to attempt to do a “diary type” 60 second (or there abouts) video recap of my week and on the first Sunday of each month I’m going to record one of my Poems. YAYYYYYY!!!!!

So here is my first Thursday Ramble, it’s rather rough as i just slapped it all together to see if it’s something i could work with in the future 🙂 enjoy :-).

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My First Ever YouTube Video

The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.

With that in mind, I am going to suck it up and just post this video!

Arms Around Me

I want to run and hide
Down deep inside
How happy I would be
You no longer poisoning my mind
Please set my soul free
I’d no longer need to lie
Without your arms around me
But I’m frozen in pain
Shame won’t let me leave
The failure I’ve become
Is unbecoming to me
You no longer by my side
I’d set my soul free
But with you till I die
I told you I would be
So here still I lie
With your arms around me
I feel the need to cry
But the tears won’t leave me
While you wallow in sorrow and self-pity
Why don’t you just leave me?
All the past tears we’ve cried
With your arms around me
I’m trying to figure out why
And if I should leave
But with you till I die
I told you I would be
So here still I lie
With your arms around me

Fed up with myself!

Lately I have felt like bursting into tears for no reason. I am exhausted and racked with anxiety but cannot figure out exactly why.

I hate feeling like this. It just sneaks up from nowhere. I can have been having a couple of really good days or even weeks. I start to think I’m finally get on top of things and then bam I’m knocked over by this darkness that just makes me feel useless.

For the last month, I have had the plan to start a YouTube channel where I would record my Poems and some shorter observation Just A Thought /Random Rants type posts as it’s easier to get someone to watch a short video link then read a link to a FB Note or Blog Post. I would also share the link to the video on my Social Media and Blog for the people who do read me already. So I have attempted to do my first video post multiple times and I’m always finding something wrong and deleting it rather than uploading it.

The sort of things I say to myself in my head as I am watching the videos back: You’re a retard. Fuck you look fat. You sound like an idiot. You stumbled over that word. It sounds shit. What the fuck are you doing? Why the fuck did you do that. You ruined it. God that wok eye is ugly.

Truth is most of the attempts I have deleted because the camera angle gave me a double chin or while I was talking my eye turned out and made me look disgusting.

One of my eyes turns out and I hate it. I delete so many selfies with my son, even though he looks totally cute, because my stupid ugly eye goes off on its own adventure without the rest of me. I’m left eye dominate, so my right eye wanders – but my right eye, that my brain chooses not to use has the better vision LOL good work there Brain!!!

Anyway I totally went off topic didn’t EYE 😛 Really it’s ok, I’m alive and I can see and that is the main thing!!! Nevertheless, when I am down in the dumps all the little things like that really get at me.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to get over this and move on with my plans for the channel, hopefully!

Also for the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to format my second poetry eBooks for publication. I managed to do my first one, but kept stuffing up the second. It shattered me. In the end, I gave in and paid someone to do it for me. I failed and I HATE that. I am so mad at my stupid ass self for not being able to do it. I really think this is what brought on my current funk. I have gotten the formatted files back and have uploaded them and now have two published poetry works, but failing at the formatting has made it a bitter win. I had to give up. I got so upset I almost chucked in the towel completely. I SHOULD have been able to do it.

But I feel I have dealt with the issues / problems I stated above and I still feel at unease. I still feel blue. Down. Low. Unfocused. The Harry Potter marathon and all popcorn in my cupboard hasn’t helped. Snuggles with my Son hasn’t helped. I’m just so fed up with myself.

Cold, rain and depressed laziness has stopped me from going out lately, but I’m determined to go for a walk tomorrow morning rain or not, as I need to get some happy hormones flowing or something.

Thanks for taking the time to listen (or rather read) to me whinge 🙂 it is much appreciated!

Link for my YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxbj_XQuDb1VclqWh98g8cg/about

My Latest eBook The World Around Me; is a collection of poems in my randomly raw & unpolished poetry style about the things I See & Feel as I navigate this crazy thing called Life.

So grab a cuppa and take a look into my heart and mind if you dare >>

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/443439