“Why is it that I am always the only one who hears our son crying in the night?” I ask for the millionth time.
I wake even when my son makes the slightest carry on, but my husband sleeps soundly on. Well he sleeps soundly on unless it’s the second time my son’s woken up during the night and I elbow my husband in the ribs until he wakes up, then inform him it’s his turn to check on the baby (I say baby even though he’s eighteen months old now and I’m not sure if he’s technically still a baby). To my husband’s credit, if I wake him and tell him to go check on our son, he normally does it with minimal grumbling.
It used to be that my son would wake up and just want a hug or bottle then be happy to go back to sleep, but in the last 6 months or so it’s been more like he’s having nightmares. You go in to check on him and he’s still asleep. It is rather disturbing seeing my baby boy tossing and turning, screaming with tears rolling out of closed eyes. Thankfully just picking him up or patting his back or tummy does the trick and he goes back in a calm sleep.
I remember reading somewhere that it’s hardwired into a woman’s brain to register those high pitched distressed tones of one’s offspring. But dang it, I tell you I’d like a night where I sleep through and my husband wakes up.
^ Riley awake and happy In his cot ^
^ Shane, Riley and I ^
- I’ve been trying so hard to go pain killer free, but my body continues to argue with me about it. Pain radiates from my lower back into the base of my skull and I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve got an appointment with a Physio, so we’ll see what they say. I figured I should try and get back into yoga to stretch and strengthen my back. I had been going really well, off my Antidepressants and off painkillers, using only natural remedies. But earlier his week the darkness returned with the loss of our beloved Buster and set me back a bit. Interestingly enough the return of the darkness has coincided with my back flaring up again – hmmm linked much!
On Monday I had a really bad day; I felt absolutely useless, was in physical pain and spent most of the day crying or screaming at my husband. I had a horrible nightmare about my son dying the night before and it just shut me down. I had never felt true fear until I became a mother! My f*#ked up brain always takes me ‘there’, when I get the slightest bit down and then I feel the need to smother Riley with kisses. But I love my brain anyway; I wouldn’t be me without it.
I have been keeping up my essential oil routine of; Young Living “Joy” Essential Oil blend rubbed on my wrists in the morning and Young Living “Peace & Calming” Essential Oil blend rubbed on my writs at bed time along with Lavender on my temples and Progressence Phyto Plus on my feet.
I’ve also been taking quality supplements; a Multi Vitamin, Zinc, B2 in the morning and Magnesium at night before bed. I’ve have been sleeping better than I can ever remember. I’ve felt more alert and clear headed than I ever did on antidepressants. It’s only been this week that things have taken a turn, but I’m positive I can get on track, fix the physical issues and continue on with my journey to good overall health.
I recently read that Yoga means “Union” and as we all know it is supposed to bring the body, mind and spirit back into alignment. Sounds good huh? I’d love to get my shit together and be one with myself. I am definitely getting there; I’m much closer to feeling whole than I was a year and half ago, when I was at my worst. A Yoga Centre opened up a little while ago in the old library of my town. I was thinking it was a sign that I should get back into yoga (as well as my back being a little bitch). I haven’t been to a class or done any poses since before I was pregnant with Riley.
So back to the Yoga Union thing: Well, I’ve always been down with My Spirit, I love that girl. My Mind and I have had a rough relationship. It took me 27 years to love her, she caused my all sorts of pain until I could except and love her for who she is. We’ve been sweet for the past six months and it’s been really nice. But My Body, that bitch is causing me all sorts of pain at the moment. From about the age of eight I’ve hated her. Having my son forced me to appreciate and respect her. I am thankful for and love the things she’s given me, but not her – but I am working on that.
I have come to truly love the ‘me’ within and I am looking forward to the day I can love the outside ‘me’ and we can all salute the sun together.
I missed yesterday’s 365 post; its theme was “nightmares”. I’ve got two big ones that I thought I’d share anyway. Maybe if I write them out as I remember them, I might be able to forget them.
Since having my son I’ve had two Riley (my son) related nightmares that really freaked me out, enough that my husband had to wake me up because I was screaming in my sleep, enough that parts of them stuck in my head once I was fully awake and enough that I can’t forget them or the way they made me feel.
Werewolf Outbreak; the first dream I’m going to writing about. It happened when my son was still a newborn and It was like being stuck in a horror movie. I can remember running from my husband carrying my newborn baby as had been bitten and was turning into a werewolf. My mother was killed, half eaten; it really fucks you up seeing your mother like that, even if it is imaginary. I found my dad and we were running. We returned to his house to get supplies. I can remember him telling me to hide in roof and being terrified! I was hiding in the roof trying to keep a newborn quiet as a werewolf smashed through the house and killed my father. I can remember being stuck up in the roof and realising my son was so quiet because he had died. That’s when my husband had to wake me up because I was screaming hysterically.
Yep! Pure horror movie shit. I don’t even think I’d been reading or watching anything at the time that could have triggered it. I lay awake the rest of the night horrified at my brains ability to scare the fuck out of me.
Where is the car; the second dream I’m going to write about is one I had last week, it’s all fragmented, almost like still images. Before I tell you about this dream that haunted me for days after and still horrifies and baffles me I’d like to note – I have never left a small child or animal in a car and I never will intentionally – but I always forget where I parked my car.
So I’m running late to a wedding. I can’t find a car park. I dump my car and run to the church. On the outside the church looks small. There’s a man standing the door I give my apologies for being late. I realise my sons not with me. I’ve left my baby boy in the car. I Panic. I Run and Run and Run. I can’t find my car. I can’t remember where I parked my car. I run back to the church and go inside to ask for help. Inside the church is massive, with rows and rows of people. I’m ignored. I run searching, screaming for my car, willing it to be found. I see my car. My car is empty. I run back to the church. The weddings over. A nun is holding a dead baby. It’s my son.
Days and days I couldn’t get the images out of my head – WHY does my brain to this to me!! WHY!!
I’ve even tried to rationalise this dream. I’ve got two cousins getting married soon, so that’s where the wedding would have come from. Obviously like any parent it terrifies me to think of something bad every happening to my son. Maybe I’m afraid with so much going on at the moment that I could get so distracted and accidently leave my son in the car, I don’t even want to think about that. Normally I forget he’s not with me, I turn around to talk to him and he’s not there. AHHHHHHHHH Nightmares, yep and you can guess I was screaming with this dream to.