Fed up with myself!

Lately I have felt like bursting into tears for no reason. I am exhausted and racked with anxiety but cannot figure out exactly why.

I hate feeling like this. It just sneaks up from nowhere. I can have been having a couple of really good days or even weeks. I start to think I’m finally get on top of things and then bam I’m knocked over by this darkness that just makes me feel useless.

For the last month, I have had the plan to start a YouTube channel where I would record my Poems and some shorter observation Just A Thought /Random Rants type posts as it’s easier to get someone to watch a short video link then read a link to a FB Note or Blog Post. I would also share the link to the video on my Social Media and Blog for the people who do read me already. So I have attempted to do my first video post multiple times and I’m always finding something wrong and deleting it rather than uploading it.

The sort of things I say to myself in my head as I am watching the videos back: You’re a retard. Fuck you look fat. You sound like an idiot. You stumbled over that word. It sounds shit. What the fuck are you doing? Why the fuck did you do that. You ruined it. God that wok eye is ugly.

Truth is most of the attempts I have deleted because the camera angle gave me a double chin or while I was talking my eye turned out and made me look disgusting.

One of my eyes turns out and I hate it. I delete so many selfies with my son, even though he looks totally cute, because my stupid ugly eye goes off on its own adventure without the rest of me. I’m left eye dominate, so my right eye wanders – but my right eye, that my brain chooses not to use has the better vision LOL good work there Brain!!!

Anyway I totally went off topic didn’t EYE 😛 Really it’s ok, I’m alive and I can see and that is the main thing!!! Nevertheless, when I am down in the dumps all the little things like that really get at me.

Anyway, I am going to attempt to get over this and move on with my plans for the channel, hopefully!

Also for the last couple of weeks, I have been trying to format my second poetry eBooks for publication. I managed to do my first one, but kept stuffing up the second. It shattered me. In the end, I gave in and paid someone to do it for me. I failed and I HATE that. I am so mad at my stupid ass self for not being able to do it. I really think this is what brought on my current funk. I have gotten the formatted files back and have uploaded them and now have two published poetry works, but failing at the formatting has made it a bitter win. I had to give up. I got so upset I almost chucked in the towel completely. I SHOULD have been able to do it.

But I feel I have dealt with the issues / problems I stated above and I still feel at unease. I still feel blue. Down. Low. Unfocused. The Harry Potter marathon and all popcorn in my cupboard hasn’t helped. Snuggles with my Son hasn’t helped. I’m just so fed up with myself.

Cold, rain and depressed laziness has stopped me from going out lately, but I’m determined to go for a walk tomorrow morning rain or not, as I need to get some happy hormones flowing or something.

Thanks for taking the time to listen (or rather read) to me whinge 🙂 it is much appreciated!

Link for my YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxbj_XQuDb1VclqWh98g8cg/about

My Latest eBook The World Around Me; is a collection of poems in my randomly raw & unpolished poetry style about the things I See & Feel as I navigate this crazy thing called Life.

So grab a cuppa and take a look into my heart and mind if you dare >>

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/443439

 

100 Happy Days (61-80)

I have been partaking in the 100 Happy Days challenge, sharing my Happy Days with my Facebook and Twitter friends. I started the challenge back on the 21st of March, so yesterday was my 80th day.

As you’ll see I’ve missed a few this time around. I’ve been feeling rather wishy washy lately and just not having a ”happy day”.


Day61: I Introduced Riley to his first dandelion today. I still pick these things, blow and make a wish & I’ll probably will do it till the day I die.

day61Day62: Yeah today just didn’t happen.

Day63: Went for a walk this arvo and then got some ice cream with my two favourite boys at Warners Bay.day63

Day64: The hubby brought home chocolate.day64

Day65: Having snuggles with my baby boy.day65

Day66: Today didn’t happen either.

Day67: Riley’s running amuck being adorable while Shane is cooking us dinner. Love my boys.day67

Day68: Look what turned up in the mail today Rev Girl by Leigh Hutton. Now I’ve got to finish the book I’m in the middle of so I can read it. day68aday68b

Day69: You’ve got to love how easy it is to please a child. I bought Riley a $5 hippo toy today and it hasn’t left his hands since.day69

Day70: Yeah today just didn’t happen.

Day71: Hell yeah #100happydays. I had a good day at work, Riley’s birthday presents turned up, Shane Vacuumed and Mopped while I was at work (without being asked) and we’ve having fish for dinner. Life is awesome right this instant. I even managed to write 1250 words, a chapter for Audrey during my lunch break.day71

Day72: I’m so happy with my formatting work this time around on “the world around me” I’m ashamed at my poor job on “my mind the menace” I am seriously thinking about reformatting the whole thing lol.day72

Day73: Not a happy today. I spent the day being frustrated and trying to format my ebook, which was going so well yesterday.

Day74: Really not a happy day today, we’ve got our old buster boy in at the vets. Busters had some test done and we’re waiting for results. I took some photos of Riley giving him snuggles this morning in case he doesn’t come home.day74

Day75: Still No News on Buster.

Day76: Buster’s home, after a $950 vet bill 😦 But at least he’s home!

Day77: Ahh this Thursday feels like a Friday, but at least I’ve got pretty flowers on my desk to look at thanks to a customer (you can tell the kind of week I had when you see that I haven’t changed my calendar since monday, it wasn’t until I took this photo on my lunch break that I realised LOL).day77

Day78: love the sound of rain on the workshop’s tin roof, so calming and cosy.Day79

Day79: Yeah back in the blues, Today Didn’t Happen!

Day80: Riley’s asleep. Just made a mess with some paint making a poster for Riley’s first birthday and now I’m gunna sit down eat some popcorn and watch some Harry Potter until Riley wakes up and wants to play again #lifesgood #100happydays.Day80

Here is my post for Day 1 -20 >> http://wp.me/p431Gp-a1

Here is my post for Day 21 -40 >> http://wp.me/p431Gp-be

Here is my post for Days 41 -60 >> http://wp.me/p431Gp-cr