I’m a pressure vessel that’s about to crack
But you don’t seem to give a fuck about that
You really don’t seem to care at all
Why the fuck did I trust you
Why in life we get so hungry
Why in life we get so grumpy
Why in life we feel so frumpy
If only everything could be smooth
All this turmoil is making my brain lumpy
Falling off the wall like humpty dumpty
My world has been shattered, I’m a Tiger not a Rabbit. My birthdays before Chinese New Year, I was born in their 86. I am going down to China Town with my mum and Riley on the train tomorrow, so this matter I will investigate further. Tomorrow will be my son Riley’s first train ride and first trip to Sydney – Wish me luck!!!
Today’s post asks us if we could choose to be a master of any skill in the world, which skill would be pick?
I’d pick to be a Master Painter – I can see visions in my head, I can imagine the artworks I’d like to create, but I can’t get them out the way a skilled artist can.
Maybe you’re wondering what with me always writing about wanting to improve my writing why didn’t I go down that root for my master skill fix. But no, I’m confident that with A LOT of HARD WORK I can get myself to point where I’m happy with my writing.
There is no way I’ll ever be a great artist, I don’t have any skills to work with, none whatsoever, but that’s ok I can admire the world’s finest instead.
So yes my Magic Master Skill Fix, would be to be the most awesome painter the world has ever seen mwahahahahahahahaha oh wait that would mean I’ll end up insane and an alcoholic by forty and dead by forty five. Hmmmm So maybe I’d settle to just be a really good artist instead!
Today’s post asks us, when we were 16 what did we think our lives would look like? Does it look the way we imagined? And is that a good thing?
When I was sixteen my plan was to work till I was twenty saving enough money to get to Scotland, work there for a couple of years while exploring that part of the globe, come back and travel around Australia, then once I was about 25 go back home to the town I grew up in, open my own business and start to plan out the rest of my life.
My life to this point has been absolutely nothing like I wanted it to be, complete opposite. When I was sixteen I never intended to get married or have kids, I hated the idea of being so held down, I wanted to be free forever! I don’t feel like I get to have fun anymore and at sixteen all I was concerned with was having fun.
Sometimes I feel that my life has been a complete waste and all I’ve done is fuck one thing up after another.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being crushed by all the things I can’t do.
I feel like the real me is trapped inside. I feel like I live my life for everyone else and never for me.
And I long to have my dreams become a reality, but the older I get the less chance that they will ever come true.
I’ve always been a depressive person, all creative people are. But when I was younger I could look forward to the future, I had a plan to make myself happy and lead a fulfilling life, a plan I failed to follow through. Maybe once my sons an adult and out of the house I can stop pretending I’m a good person for his sake. I’ll probably be so angry and burnt out by that point (if I keep going the way I am) that I’ll just spend the remainder of my days stoned trying not to think about the fact I fucked up and missed my chance.
Now I Love my son and wouldn’t give him up for the world, but I wish my life leading up to him had been different. And I know I can do things to change my life and that nothing is set in stone, but having a child takes away freedom, because you always have someone else to think about. I can’t quit my job and run over seas with a kid, first up I’d get done with kidnapping for taking my son away from his father. Secondly I can’t even think about the financial insecurities of trying to change my non-existent career at this point. And third unfortunately I was raised to be responsible and compassionate so I can’t just burn everybody around me to get the things I want.
I’m getting off the point here: When I was 16 I thought my life would be filled with fun and adventure and I’d make my mark on the world. My current life doesn’t look anything like what I had imagined and wanted for myself and that’s a very bad thing because when I dwell on it (which I try not to) it makes my blood boil and my soul turn black.
It feels like I’m about to fall apart
And if I do
I’ll blame my heart
How to put myself back together again
I don’t even know where to start
Apply Yourself, haha, Ok Sarah sit down and write this post, you’ve been avoiding it by doing fun Riley related posts – Commit Damn it!!!
Today’s post asks to describe our last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to us.
FAR OUT! I don’t know when to start. Nothing really has ever come easy to me ‘’education’’ wise. Truth be told, I stuffed around at school!! Never gave a rats ass or really applied myself – AND I regret It majorly now!!! I still don’t know my times tables, can’t read an analogue watch or spell very well and my grammar skills suck – But I can recite nearly all the song lyrics in my mass collection of music. I’m going to learn how to tell the time and my times tables when I have to teach those things to Riley, We’ll learn together – I Hope – NO I WILL learn them, because I won’t be able to put it off any longer, I’ll have no choice, Riley can’t think he has a dumbass for a mother.
When I left school and got a Job/Traineeship I completed three administration type TAFE certificates at TAFE. I tried harder at TAFE because it was important for my Job and I was older and cared a little bit more. Later on I attempted to do the next level, a diploma by OTEN distance education. There was a five year or so gap when I hadn’t been doing any kind of study and I just couldn’t seem to pick it back up again, not sitting in my own home, with my short attention span and it was boring.
I tried again after that to do a creative writing course by correspondence. I thought maybe enjoying the topic might make it easier, but ended up pregnant for most of it, and I never managed to complete it!
So I failed twice at long distance education, it’s not for me, I need a classroom set up to learn at my optimum.
The nuts and bolts of being a Mother I found came easy, Feed Baby, Wash Baby, Change Baby, Love Baby and Play with Baby. I read a bunch of educational pregnancy and baby books while I was pregnant, but all that really ended up doing was overwhelming me and stressing me out. As of yet haven’t been able to learn how to manage all the new shit in my life with all the old shit and that causes me quite a bit of trouble.
I am stressed trying to write this post, I’m getting angry because on this topic words do not flow easy for me, I wonder if it shows in the writing. Riley is asking for my attention by slapping the keyboard whenever I try and type, so I’m going to go play and this will have to do for the day!