I am an Aussie with Scottish and English Heritage.
I am a Bisexual, yes even though I am married to a man, I am still attracted to women – always have been, always will be!
I am a Sci-Fi nut (thanks Mum) and I have a very wide taste in music (also thanks Mum, and my grandmothers). Music and Art in general are my saviour, my church, my release.
I have struggled with depression, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, and thanatophobia my whole life. Arthritis came along in my late-twenties and my overall anxiety gets worse with each passing day. But very few of you would know any of that because I have always kept it to myself. If you come up to me in public I’ll plaster on my biggest and warmest smile, act happy and be friendly (and I am friendly underneath it all, but I should get an Oscar for the performance I’ve been putting on the last 33 years).
I had my first panic attack at the start of October. It landed me in the ER, as Shane thought I was having a stroke/heart attack (something sinister anyways). I have had a few attacks since then and bad days that have left me locked in my head unable to function. I had one last night. It started from just having a down day and ended with me on the bathroom floor rocking back and forth, crying while going through calming exercises to try and drag myself back to reality.
And yes, I have had some professional help over the years. I’ve partaken in therapy, altered my diet, taken drugs from doctors and herbs from naturopaths. I’ve tried and will keep on trying to manage my conditions. I want to be well and I am not a quitter. It’s just not in my DNA to give up, although most times it seems like the easiest option.
I do not tell my friends and family what is going on with me because I do not want to bring them down – but all that has done is made me feel completely alone. I am not telling you this because I want sympathy – fuck no! I am here, holding myself accountable for my own wellbeing. I am here, trying to be my most authentic self.
I decided to post this in the hopes of raising awareness. I want you to CHECK IN ON YOUR MATES. Get in their heads and let them in yours. LIFE IS TOO HARD TO FACE ALONE, and after 33 years, I cannot keep it up. So here we are.
Hi, my name is Sarah and I’m pleased to meet you.