Me, myself and the land of self-reflection

You may or may not have noticed that my blog themed changed. After five years I felt like something new. After five years I am not the same person I was when I started The Adventures of SacaKat. So, here we have a new theme and a new name, Sarah Says. But it’s still just me stuffing around on the internet. And this blog will continue to grow as I grow, change as I change, just as it has for the last five and a half years.

At thirty-two I decided I was getting too old too quick to give a shit. I decided that 2019 was going to be the year I did the things I’ve always wanted to but haven’t out of fear. GRAB A CUPPA this post is a long one.

A few months ago, I bleached my hair and dyed it bright pink, because I’ve always wanted hot pink hair but never has the guts to do it. And I intend to keep it pink. BOOM!

I recently entered a piece I wrote about my late grandmother in the Newcastle grieve competition. I’ve always psyched myself out of entering my poems and writing into anything. But I did it (It’ll be months before I know the outcome of that). BOOM!

While volunteering on the Friday of the Newcastle Writers Festival (early April) I wore makeup. I was self-conscious about it the whole time. Kept looking the mirror to check how It was looking and cringing. When I got home that night, I decided I wasn’t going to wear makeup on my next shift. I don’t wear makeup to work. My current social profile is me with no makeup and no filters (still is). I thought, why am I doing this to myself. I went back without makeup and felt better for it. I wasn’t worried about how my makeup looked or how it was holding up. I knew that when someone looked at me, they were seeing me. It was their problem if they didn’t like what they were seeing, not mine. BOOM!

Now don’t get me wrong. I love watching the amazing makeup transformations people do on YouTube. I love looking at IG models and Queens in full glamour makeup. But I suck at. I suck at doing makeup and it always adds this extra layer of anxiety. I always think I end up looking worse when I put it on. The only time I bother to try and do it is when I’m going somewhere and I feel like people would expect a woman to wear makeup, you know, dinner at a restaurant, drinks at the pub etc. But I serve customers five days a week sans-makeup. So why the fuck am I putting it on to volunteer at a writer’s festival. Yes, plenty of the other female volunteers had make up on, but not one of them looked at me judgmentally because I didn’t, just as I didn’t look at them judgmentally because they did. I didn’t wear makeup to my cousins’ concert in Sydney (Late April). Shout out to The Beautiful Monument. And I didn’t wear makeup to the Sydney Writers Festival a fortnight ago. The world kept spinning and I felt fine. BOOM!

I still feel that my sexuality is nobody business but mine, my husbands and a few of my close friends who I choose to share it with. I think that a persons sexually and gender doesn’t make them anymore or any less than anybody else, so it shouldn’t matter! But to raise awareness, and to try and make life easier for the next generation, I will be open about it. I will say that I identify as Queer. Queer being the umbrella term used for sexual and gender minorities who are not heterosexual or cisgender. I am a Cis woman. I was lucky enough to be born in a female body and identify as female. When I was younger the only options sexually appeared to be straight or gay. Bisexual didn’t exist, you were just promiscuous and/or slutty and kissing your females friends was just something you did when you were all bored or drunk. Shove your Biphobia, I’m too old to care. BOOM!

I will say that I got married too young. I was twenty and I was trying to fill the void in my soul. Turns out the only way to do that is through loving yourself, not others – TRUE THAT.
I married a man because it was what was expected of me and because it was easier (at the time). But that turned out okay. He knows me and loves me (and he’s seen the darkest ugliest parts of me). With that man I have two devil children, oops I mean adorable children, who I would destroy the world for.

To all you youngsters I say:
Fuck doing what is expected of you, if doesn’t feel right, RUN.
Adulthood and responsibilities are a one-way door, don’t open them until you are at least sure of who you want to be.
Never try to be something you are not to impress someone, or to make someone other than yourself happy – It’ll all turn to shit in the end.

I am old and wise. Listen to mother.

Thanks for visiting sarahfairbairn.com
I wonder how many followers this post will lose me hahahahaha

4 Comments on “Me, myself and the land of self-reflection

  1. I’m going to comment as I read this, because as a senior citizen *cough* I tend to forget what I want to say when I keep reading.

    Hello Sarah Says. LOVE the alliteration.

    While I regret that I wasn’t here for your first five and a half years of blogging, I am so glad that I am here now. I look forward to reading whatever you happen to post. 💜

    Is it weird if I say that I am so proud of you for doing all the things? Having pink hair is amazing! I LOVE having pink hair, and I only wish it grew that way naturally.

    Submitting any writing is super awesome! I can’t wait to hear the outcome of that, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for all the positive vibes for you!

    Also, super proud of you for deciding that you don’t need or have to wear makeup. That’s a tough choice and I’m proud of you for doing what is comfortable for you. 💜

    Biphobia is so toxic and I hate it. But you’re right – bisexuality was just a label for slutty (and only ever in relation to women, funnily enough) when we were younger. I’m glad it’s slowly changing, but I am rather impatient at how slow it’s taking. I love you and your queer self! 💜

    You’re inspirational, Sarah. You know who you are, and that is something that is so rare for so many people.

    Thank you for sharing this lovely post. I look forward to more of the ‘new’ you. 💜

    • Hahaha I do that. I had been known to have a word document open on one side of the screen and type in that as I go, then cut and paste into a comment field or two – so I’m with ya there.

      I’m trying to remember how we stumbled across each other – probably something to do with the AusYaBloggers – however it happened I’m glad we did.

      I’d love it is pink hair grew naturally, I wouldn’t have to keep redyeing it and turning all my towels pink haha.

      Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on by brain vomit. It makes me feel seen and validated and cared for. I love you and your queer self too!

      Change is slow but we’ll make it happen, one damn day at a time!!!!

      ❤ 🙂

  2. Sarah, you’re a brilliant, remarkable and I’ve loved watching you become the woman you are today. Strong, confident with a beauty and kindness which is why you’re one of my very favourite people. I feel like in the last year especially, you seem to have found your sense of self and she’s beautiful! I can’t even begin to tell you how proud I am of you and how privileged I feel to be a part of your life. I love the message of how we’re always changing and how we learn and grow. Twenty year old me feels like a lifetime ago but I know she’s still in there too. She’s the other version of myself, the one who’s assertive and confident and isn’t afraid to be bold and brave. I think it’s time I reintroduce myself to her.

    I love you Sarah and thank you for your years of friendship, inspiration and just being you ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

    • Awww thank you Kelly. It means the world to me that you feel/think that way of me and my journey.

      It took losing my grandmother to really shake me up and get my moving forward to a place I want to be. But I definitely feel like 2019 has been the year that I had a break though within myself.

      I also think finding people like you my darling has enabled this change in letting the inner Sarah come out. To know that I can be loved and accepted for all of me ❤ 🙂 So thank you for being on this wild ride with me.

      And hell yes for the rebirth of bold and brave Kelly ❤ What can I do to help.

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