In this week’s writing challenge we are being asked to explore what age means to us.
I always wanted to grow up, to be older. I looked forward to each birthday with great enthusiasm. I think the turning point was when I hit twenty four. As a teenager I’d told myself I’d get my shit together as an adult and it’d be awesome. When I turned twenty four I really struggled and had a life crises in my head, I tried to keep it to myself and not let on how much I was freaking out inside. At twenty four my life was nothing like I had planned! And I couldn’t handle that fact. I’ve always been obsessed with age and am terrified of death. Since having my son at twenty six, I got over my whole life not as I planned issues, because he’s better than anything I had planned. I have to remind myself daily that I’m not old. That I’m still young at twenty seven and can still accomplish all the things I want to. My dreams have changed since having my son and I really do think they changed for the better. Before having my son I dreamed constantly of being nineteen and carefree again! But I wouldn’t go back now. I really wish I could slow down time, so I could enjoy my current life and my son’s for two life times, because one will simply not be enough for all the love I have and all the things I want to do.
I guess age is just a number and it’s all about how you feel. Well some days I’m still that carefree nineteen year old. Some days I feel one hundred and some days I’m still a fucked up scared little fifteen year old who’s experiencing the real world for the first time.
I think I freak out the older I get because I’m pushing the risk factor, like every year I survive the universe is compounding more ways to take me out before I’m ready. I try to live my life with no regrets, because when I’m lying on my death bed at hopefully a ripe old age, I don’t want to be afraid, I want to say ‘’Yep I had a good time, I accomplished all I wanted and I’m reading for the party to end’’.
I am working towards my dreams and my goals. But just like telling myself every day I have time, I must tell myself to be patient because these things will not happen overnight.