Today’s post asks us, when we were 16 what did we think our lives would look like? Does it look the way we imagined? And is that a good thing?
When I was sixteen my plan was to work till I was twenty saving enough money to get to Scotland, work there for a couple of years while exploring that part of the globe, come back and travel around Australia, then once I was about 25 go back home to the town I grew up in, open my own business and start to plan out the rest of my life.
My life to this point has been absolutely nothing like I wanted it to be, complete opposite. When I was sixteen I never intended to get married or have kids, I hated the idea of being so held down, I wanted to be free forever! I don’t feel like I get to have fun anymore and at sixteen all I was concerned with was having fun.
Sometimes I feel that my life has been a complete waste and all I’ve done is fuck one thing up after another.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being crushed by all the things I can’t do.
I feel like the real me is trapped inside. I feel like I live my life for everyone else and never for me.
And I long to have my dreams become a reality, but the older I get the less chance that they will ever come true.
I’ve always been a depressive person, all creative people are. But when I was younger I could look forward to the future, I had a plan to make myself happy and lead a fulfilling life, a plan I failed to follow through. Maybe once my sons an adult and out of the house I can stop pretending I’m a good person for his sake. I’ll probably be so angry and burnt out by that point (if I keep going the way I am) that I’ll just spend the remainder of my days stoned trying not to think about the fact I fucked up and missed my chance.
Now I Love my son and wouldn’t give him up for the world, but I wish my life leading up to him had been different. And I know I can do things to change my life and that nothing is set in stone, but having a child takes away freedom, because you always have someone else to think about. I can’t quit my job and run over seas with a kid, first up I’d get done with kidnapping for taking my son away from his father. Secondly I can’t even think about the financial insecurities of trying to change my non-existent career at this point. And third unfortunately I was raised to be responsible and compassionate so I can’t just burn everybody around me to get the things I want.
I’m getting off the point here: When I was 16 I thought my life would be filled with fun and adventure and I’d make my mark on the world. My current life doesn’t look anything like what I had imagined and wanted for myself and that’s a very bad thing because when I dwell on it (which I try not to) it makes my blood boil and my soul turn black.